Tonight I need to write to be able to sleep. I read a quote that said something about being more creative at night. I eat most of my sugar at night, which makes me kind of weepy anyway. Looking back, I didn't always make great decisions late at night either. Maybe something about lowered judgment or being tired.
Living in Columbia has been a fresh start for me. A good start. It's been really, really, really good for me to be surrounded by positive influences. Alex loves me and we have fun hanging out together. I think my heart will explode every time I think about our kids because they're so amazing. Alex's family has been super supportive. They love us, and I've always felt welcome with them. I have friends here with whom I enjoy spending time. I recently got a job; my supervisor is incredible, and I couldn't ask for better co-workers.
And yet sometimes I still feel a twinge of sadness at the loss of relationships. Forever. I don't think I could ever go back and be friends with people from Life Before. I'm not even sure some of them were healthy relationships, but I felt deeply in them and now they are gone. Very few of those relationships have translated into my New Life, and that's probably OK. It's probably good.
Losing my grandmother has me thinking a lot about people, about relationships, about how to spend time in this life. I was so full of pride thinking about how I wanted to get my master's degree and my PhD and have a name for myself. And maybe someday, because those aren't terrible things. But I also realized how much I really really love having family and having friends and I don't want jobs and school to be all-consuming.
It used to be how I found my relationships. I was busy-in high school and college. I loved going to class and to work and to church and to volunteer activities and building relationships and friendships in all these venues. I loved all of it.
But now I'm learning (even after some time) how to be a wife and a mom and that kind of being busy is SO different than what I used to do that sometimes I forget that I can be happy and not be out doing things all the time.
Not that life is all about being happy. It's a lot more than that. I'm just saying that I had 8 years of being busy and loving it and living it. Sometimes I look back and think that's what a fulfilled life looks like, and I begin to wonder what life would have been like had I made different decisions.
"Living with no regrets"
That's still something I struggle with sometimes. I have absolutely no complaints, but sometimes I don't "forget was is behind, and press on to what is ahead."
"I press on toward the goal that is the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
So I'm deferring grad school. I'm cherishing my currently relationships. I'm still mourning lost ones, but maybe that's okay too, because it means my Life Before still meant something.