My husband and I have been talking about both of us going back to school, and I'm afraid I'm going to be a failure at school or a failure at being a mom. I feel like I'm not going to be a good mom if I don't spend a lot of time with my kids. I feel like I am a terrible mom for allowing anyone else to watch my kids while I get to do something else: go back to school. I feel like I'm being incredibly selfish even considering the idea. I loved the academics of high school and college. I've been dreaming of going back someday, but I thought it could never be a possibility.
I hear so many moms say things:
"I'd do anything to get to stay home with my kids."
"I wish I could have more kids."
"I'm so glad I get to home school my kids."
Dr. Sears and attachment parenting. Charlotte Mason and her ideas about schooling.
And I'm surrounded by stay-at-home moms with no plans to go back to work.
I feel guilty for not feeling the same way. I think maybe it's my pride-if God has called me to stay at home, then I should learn to be content.
I absolutely love and adore my children I love them so much my heart aches and I hold them close and I tell them that I love them often. Even recently I can remember being so happy at home.
But then my husband mentioned that I could be a nurse practitioner. I'm still not 100% confident in my ability to do well in all the classes. I think he has more confidence in me than I do.
And I heard stories about other moms going back to work-even becoming doctors!
Hope grows inside me daily. I have wonderful in-laws who offered to watch my kids as often as we need. I know my kids will be well-loved there. I know that I can pump to feed my baby, and I know that formula is an acceptable supplement if needed. I am not going to feel guilty for these choices.
I don't need to worry.
In the words of an admired friend:
"If God's given you a dream he's given you the grace to be a good steward of it... Our kids need more than caregivers, they need role models.... They need to see us channeling the energy of our life (and the light of God) into the world--- our babies need to always be and feel like our priority but they don't need to be our only thing--- I actually feel like the time we expend to cultivate our giftings and use them in the world energizes us in a way that makes us better parents! "